back again
I’m doing little things to develop this relationship with myself. I’ve been getting up at 4 AM (5 AM, when I listen to my body & sleep in) to meditate, eat some Greek yogurt, take my vitamins, drink water, and then go to the gym. There’s something about this routine I find a little more fulfilling. When I’m on my way to work, I feel like I’ve already conquered the day. I feel like the day is mine and no one can take that away from me.
Yes, I wonder how long I can keep it up. But, that’s my why: I want to develop this relationship with myself because who am I really?
I came across an Instagram post that explained how we often disassociate from ourselves when we’re “raised in home that are chronically: chaotic, unpredictable, or emotionally neglectful.” In order to survive, we become physically present in the moment, but not mentally there: disassociation. Because I didn’t feel safe at home, but needed to find a way to connect to my biological father and my mom, the post explains that my need for parental attachment and survival system were at odds with each other. To cope with the conflict within myself and the world around me, I disassociated so I could get through.
There are times where I glance at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize the man I see. It makes me wonder if I actually know who I am. I wonder if I’m investing in myself the way I want to.
I came out of therapy this morning, having woken up early and gone to the gym beforehand. I felt good. I felt even better coming out of therapy with more questions. Like, when will trauma no longer be my identity? When will I stop disassociating and align myself in the present with mind, body, and spirit?
I’m still figuring things out. But I feel better about myself than how I did before. I feel good about the things I’m doing and how much progress I’ve made.
I looked through some videos of myself last night and I realize that I am resilient. I saw different versions of me, each sadder the more I went back. Sure, I attribute that sadness to Thee Breakup. But I look at myself and see that the sadness was also from this version of me I’m getting to know, the version that saw my physical self trying so hard to just survive. It is sad to reflect on, how I could tell it was difficult to reconcile how I was feeling with who I was at the time.
I’m thankful for where I am now and how far I’ve come. I’m looking at myself and I see how awesome life has been, in spite of trauma showing up in the ways I responded to the pandemic, a relationship, and post-grad. So, I’m proud of you, bitch. I love you, too.
