Prism
Hello, friend.
I left off speaking to you about finding self-worth, empowerment, and love this summer, especially in spaces that didn’t inform these three sentiments. Meanwhile, I have traveled, slept, and processed: three things, I believe, every one needs a dose of — maybe enough to get drunk on. Everyone does it differently and writing to you about my thoughts helps me process. In that, I offer my experiences in becoming an orientation staffer this past quarter, finding the confidence and fire to go into the world boldly.
Some context.
Above is a picture of me after my last staffer training for the Student/Parent Orientation Program (SPOP) at the University of California, Irvine (I look real good, tbh. LOLOL). SPOP, while fulfilling its purpose in acclimating incoming students to the world of UCI, has also become a space for student volunteers to come together to understand the privileges that rhyme with their intersecting identities.
This perspective of SPOP was not what I initially believed it to be, though. I remember when I came out of my first training in April, I didn’t feel enough. I didn’t see Doheny Beach (the place that held our trainings) as a space that accepted me. I didn’t feel like I offered anything valuable, as opposed to the star personalities that gave something I didn’t have. I didn’t believe I belonged.
There came a point where I literally cried in Doheny to my Resident Advisor (who, thankfully, is in SPOP) about how I couldn’t compare to the personalities that dominated the space around me. There came a point where I dipped out of a training because I felt like I couldn’t keep up with the energy the space demanded. There came a point where I didn’t feel enough to be a staffer, that I wasn’t capable of becoming a leader for incoming students this upcoming summer.
Throughout my first few weeks in training, these dangerous thoughts about how I couldn’t compare to others became rubrics I felt like I needed to follow. Before every training, I thought, “Do I have the energy? Did I get enough caffeine from that caramel macchiato? Smile, Jairus, you need to make friends, be more fucking welcoming.”
For someone who speaks openly about resiliency and self-empowerment, this was a point in my life where I couldn’t grasp those sentiments because they felt too distant from me. As a result, my coping mechanism included constantly comparing and convincing myself that I wasn’t supposed to be a staffer, that the coords this year did right by not choosing me in the first place.
But, as dramatic as this exposition sounds, I knew I wanted to stay. I remember in my interview to become a staffer, I underlined that I have this passion to empower. There is this passion to elevate those around me to carve their futures with their own volition, to empower them to overcome powers that dare use their identities to divide, and to encourage people to love openly.
Thank you, Chelsea.
In the earlier weeks of spring quarter, while I toiled in my thoughts of not being good enough, I turned to Chelsea Faustino, one of the five coordinators of SPOP this year.
I remember in our first training, she was the one that looked the least intimidating to me, someone who embodied openness without a doubt. One Friday evening, I met with Chelsea in front of Humanities Gateway and I knew at that moment that she not only encapsulated the traits I knew she had, but was also the first person to convince me to be resilient in a space I felt uncomfortable in.
I expressed to her all of my sentiments above, even the training I purposely missed. In those moments I said all of this to her, I thought she would just glare at me, affirming my inability to keep up with the program.
But she didn’t.
Her words of advice met me with warmth and reassurance. Chelsea empathized and resonated with how I felt, that she felt similar feelings about SPOP when she first entered the space. Nevertheless, I was reassured that I belonged and that I could offer so much this upcoming summer, that it would take time to acclimate to a world I didn’t know too much about. I just needed to be patient (I’m not too good at that).
It is resiliency that helped me get through trainings to become a staffer, a privileged position I love. I look back at how I felt about SPOP and how I felt within the space to now. I am more resilient.
Thank you, Izzy.
I’ve never met a more loving or open human being than my (SP-)mom, Izzy Collas.
That’s what I lacked, really: the openness to new possibilities and connections with people because I feared that I wouldn’t be accepted. I wear my heart on my sleeve that it’s literally sown on there, maybe even tattoo-ed. In that, I didn’t want to be rejected, I didn’t want to be marked off as not being good enough because I was different or because I didn’t know anybody, especially as a first-year staffer. I was afraid to fully be myself because of this fear of being rejected for who I am.
But, in the span of 10 weeks, Izzy showed me how to both embrace my heart and the hearts of others, being open to the humanity that stands around me. She showed me this not only through her actions, but vis-a-vis her vulnerability. Yes, 10 weeks is a short time, but I have been able to uncover the scars and hurt that have created Izzy’s beautiful soul, a soul that inspires so much love in me and those around her.
Izzy’s openness to me gave me this: love for the narratives of other people. The beauty of Izzy’s soul mirrors the beauty that each and every person has: struggles, dissonance, fears, et cetera. It’s these struggles that piece together to create our narratives and what we stand for as individual human beings, the innate tenacity that makes us stronger against the fires of adversity.
At our last weekend training, I spoke to all the staffers and mentioned that I saw everyone as individuals within an organization, now, rather than the organizations that these individuals come from. It’s in that training and through Izzy that I found full appreciation of the fact that everyone’s narratives are beautifully different and that we each offer something beautifully different that makes our world around us.
Our differences in narratives is beautiful. Our diversity is powerful. Each one of us, in our own way, is magical. Thank you, Izzy, for teaching me this. I am more open.
Thank you, Andrea.
I have this fear that crawls onto me when I enter a new space. It’s the fear that I may not be accepted or that I may not be enough, that I may not make friends or that I might look weird if I stand alone for 5 or more seconds. It’s the same kind of fear that makes me take out my phone to look like I’m texting someone when in reality, I’m looking at the same Instagram post I liked 5 or more seconds ago.
I had this fear and it buried me, especially when I set foot in Doheny.
But, after coming out of weekend training, I found that this fear comes from a place of insecurity — the uncertainty that we may not find people we resonate with, especially in a space that makes us feel small and alone.
What I’ve taken from Andrea Tieu, my other, graceful (SP-)mom, is that we need not fear or be insecure when we enter new spaces because there is someone outside of that space that knows, appreciates, and loves us for who we are, for what we stand for, and what we know ourselves to be.
Through many 1:1’s and conversations, I not only look at Andrea as my mom, but a role model, friend, and fellow human being I simply adore. She is someone that I resonate with on many different levels. She is someone who makes me feel less alone. Andrea has made me love and appreciate who I am and what I can offer to the new spaces I can change.
You, friend, have someone who stands with you (e.g. me) outside of the boundaries that may make us feel like we’re standing by ourselves. At the end of the day, there will be someone who appreciates you and your resilience, openness, and self, a person that leaves you feeling secure and wanted.
For me, among the people I love and am grateful for, people that make me feel more human than alone, is Andrea. Andrea, you have given me security in myself and what I can offer to the spaces around me, especially in SPOP. You have given me the security to love others despite how they may feel about me. You have given me the security to be myself unapologetically. Andrea, you have emboldened me. I am more secure.
tldr (too long, didn’t read).
It’s difficult to be reminded of our potential or who we know ourselves to be, especially at such an important time like college. We are slowly integrating ourselves into a world where we are divided vis-a-vis our diversity, into a world that creates institutions that commodify us, and into a world that may make us feel small and confused. This Medium post/interview/life update tried to encapsulate the lessons I’ve learned and experiences I’ve gained through SPOP. I read it now and I believe it’s also a testament to the people that have given me so much love, especially when I felt doubtful of who I am and what I can offer in this world.
We live our days in an endless cycle of stopping and repeating, so much so that it becomes difficult to stop maneuvering forward to show appreciation for those that we love, the one’s that have made us more resilient, open, and secure. I figure that this is one way I offer that testament.
It isn’t just Chelsea, Izzy, and Andrea that have given me heaps of love and empowerment. From my mom to my own family to Ameer to my (SP-)family to Brittany to Sophia to Neel to Raffy and to some of my other best friends — you remind me to be resilient, to be more open, and leave me feeling secure, especially in a world that tells me otherwise.
I give you my heart. I give you my everything.
xx.
