To: 2017
Hello,
I am currently waiting to board an airplane to fly into a different world all by myself. I am afraid, but I am excited. I’ll be exploring concrete jungles that are covered with snow, brightened by beautiful city lights and towering over strangers I will cross paths with in a few hours.
The quarter ended today and before haphazardly packing everything I think I’ll need to bear the cold and snow, I spent my last few moments in Irvine with my best friend from high school. Being the sentimental person I am, I subtly made the two of us reflect about our relationship, our growth, and the beautiful uncertainty of what could happen in the future. Before I left, I expressed gratitude to someone who knows every secret I keep, who gives me permission to be who I am, and makes me laugh uncontrollably in the most odd spaces, like in the middle of a Downtown Disney merchandise store.
As I sit here, waiting to board my plane, I wanted to express my gratitude to you, 2017. It isn’t the end yet, I know; you are still writing the last few words in a chapter you want to leave with people before the new year slowly creeps into our lives. But, expressing gratitude will always be in my nature, so here it is.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a leader on campus in my first organization at the University of California, Irvine. Being in SPOP and going through the process of becoming an actual staffer was both tedious and enlightening. It tested my will to stay in a program because of my purpose within that space despite feeling like an outsider and not having any purpose at all. It offered me a diverse group of people I got to see grow with me. To be able to be a leader on campus, to help incoming students feel the slightest bit of welcome into a world that is quite different from the one they thrived in, and to facilitate a space where they have the permission to be vulnerable and also throw it back — it makes me miss the magical potential the program holds when it leaves that leadership in the hands of staffers. Thank you for letting me meet a few of my closest friends through that platform, friends that have given me something to learn or something to listen to when I needed it most. But mostly, thank you for giving me an opportunity to be proud of myself.
I didn’t really take much time to myself this past summer. I flew to the Bay Area, I put out heaps of energy for SPOP and a job I absolutely dreaded, I didn’t spend as much time with my family, and I fell in and out of love. All of a sudden, the academic year started and that’s when things felt lonely and quite different. I almost wanted to drop out of UCI, but I don’t want to do that. It’s scary. So, I made drastic changes to my college career, I found myself seeking help for this particular feeling that weighed on my body and mind, only to be diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t take care of my body, my mental health, my well-being, my mind. I felt a variety of things, too. I felt sadness, I felt anger, I felt confusion, I felt insecurity. I felt ambivalence, I felt nothing, I felt loneliness, and at the root of it all, I felt heartache.
Those feelings and states linger, they still do. They rush into my body when I see people on campus, so I have this urge to retreat. But, when I look back, I have learned so much because of it.
It’s because of heart break that I was able to learn that we bump into people for a reason. We either learn from them, love them, take from them, teach them, or even hurt them. Whatever we do, we learn something about ourselves and what makes us happy. Whether it be a short conversation in a Starbucks line or a long, romantic relationship, we learn, we grow, and we find how far we are willing to go to find that happiness.
That being said, I’ve reasoned that there are people we madly fall in love with. They could be a best friend or they might end up being your partner. It’s these people that we hold close in our hearts that we find them to be one of multiple soul mates that we may cross paths with and grow to love. These will be the people that we take so much from and in return, give so much love to. These are the people we want to keep in our lives because they are the gems that help bleed light into our lives.
But, it’s crucial to understand that change is inevitable. To accept that human beings and the fabric of reality is constantly in flux is powerful and important. Clothes change. The air changes. Our mood changes. The temperature of the shower changes. And, the scariest of all, our feelings for people, no matter how much we love them, changes. This concept helped me understand that even if we do find a soul mate, they may need to exit our lives, despite what we might want. No matter how hard you fight and bleed, no matter how fast you run to them, and no matter how much you try to desperately make them stay, they may change into someone different and you must let them go.
2017, you’ve taught me that it is important to be honest with myself. I can’t stress that enough. I’ve aimlessly walked around in my life, wondering what makes me happy and going back to sources that don’t spark any joy or contentment in my life. I never understood why, but I suppose it’s because I didn’t choose to sit down and acknowledge the truth of what makes me happy and what tears me down. I know if I admitted something wasn’t right, I felt the need to fix it or keep going back to it to not feel dissonance with myself. I’ve learned that it is crucial to always owe myself honesty and truth because I deserve that much, even more. If this person doesn’t make me happy anymore, if this space doesn’t feel comfortable at all, and if my mental health is at risk — I must choose to find a way to find peace within myself instead of aimlessly choosing to keep peace around me, for the sake of relationships and awkward sentiments.
Lastly, I thank you for instilling in me the drive to work towards forgiveness. This season in my life has challenged me to accept the absence of people in my life, discerning who will only hurt me and who will only empower me. From heartbreak to insecurity to confusion to misunderstanding to misadventure to simply feeling numb to not feel these dangerous emotions at all — to be able to forgive those that left me in a world shadowed by the aforementioned is important.
But, most of all, thank you for asking if I could forgive myself. I fought for people to be in my life that didn’t need to be in it anymore, I gave up a lot to be with a handful of people who didn’t deserve my time or recognize my worth, I negotiated my happiness for a semblance of joy, and I came close to settling for things that made me feel less than I am. It is for these things that you have taught me to work towards forgiving myself because I know I am at fault for not recognizing what I need, what I want, and my own self-worth and self-valuation this past year.
Thank you, again, 2017. I am going to travel for the first time by myself with no family, no friends, and no one around me to keep me company or validate what I’m doing. As excited as I am, I fear the unknown. I don’t know what I’m going to explore. I’m not sure if my boots will make it through my time in the snow. I’m afraid I didn’t pack enough clothes to keep me warm. I don’t know what to expect.
But I suppose that’s the adventure in it, right? I didn’t expect to learn all of this in order to become the man I am and will be. I didn’t expect to break and heal and grieve and wonder and hope and cry and numb and learn so much. We’ll just see.
The flight attendant is calling for all passengers to line up to board. I have to go, but thank you. For everything.
Earnestly, Jairus
